Can there be anything as beautiful as love..? Can there be anything as frustrating as love..? You can learn the first, even through seeing that relationship flourish from a distance. But you can never learn the depths of the second, unless you’ve truly loved, can you..?
Have you been there..? Facing the dilemma that enters your head, when you see them taking a wrong turn..? Should you take a stand..? Should you stay quiet..? If taking a stand meant you’d keep them from losing their way, then it’d be an easy choice. But what if you lose them..? You could be the one person who’s presence they could use in their lives as they walk the hazardous path. Would you ever risk being lost to them..?
Patience can only take you so far though, at some point you break, and when that does, you’re either left with the joy of speaking words of restoration, or you’re left with nothing but the pain of love. “Why can’t they understand..?”, you wonder. I mean, they don’t have to change their way just because you say so, but why can’t they understand that you don’t hate them in speaking the words that you did..? After all these years, why would they even think that you have anything but love for them..?
Last Sunday was one of those days of pain in my life. In that moment of despair though, I found a thought I feel is worth a share. As I kept asking those questions over and over in my head, I felt as though God were asking the same of me: “Why can’t he understand..?”
I don’t know about you, but my life of faith is so full of doubt. If I come off as anything different in my writings, then that surely isn’t intentional. I question His love for me far too often. Though the knowledge of all He has done for me is clearly established within, I tend to lose focus of Him from time to time. More often than I should, you’d find me feeling as though He were indifferent to me.
Despite the number of times I’ve felt ashamed of my sin, only to head to Him and be received with a reassuring smile. Despite the number of times I’ve become weak in faith, and He’s provided me with the strength to believe. Despite the number of times I have felt overwhelmed by the situations I have faced, only to receive help in the time of need. Despite the number of times I should have drowned in grief, yet found peace within, only to come out of it with joy in my heart. Despite it all, I doubt His love for me….
Then I look at the cross, the symbol of rejection and shame, and I see Christ Jesus hanging there, blood dripping all over His scourged body, having given Himself as a sacrifice, to win for me a path to His Kingdom. Shouldn’t this ever be enough to know of His love for me..? Would God be in the wrong for asking, “after all these years, why would he even think that I have anything but love for him..?”
A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not quench, until he brings justice to victory;
If I – despite my imperfect love – can feel so frustrated when my love comes into question, how would God feel, when His most perfect love is constantly questioned..? I remember the way I felt within last Sunday – even though we’re long past that moment, and our love for each other is well established as it were before. What if it were only for a moment..? When they look at you, unsure of whether you truly do love them or not, you feel something give way inside of you. I do wonder: how would God feel every time I do the same..?
The thing is, He is God and I am but a man. I may never truly know the depths of the pain that He endures for the love He has for me. But there is one thing I do know: He endures me. Even when I put Him through all that I do, knowing that such a time – when doubts arise and my faith is as weak as a smouldering wick – is when I need Him the most, He endures me. He endures me with a deeply compassionate love. Enduring me, the way I am called to endure those I am called to love….
Love endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13:7